clickonthis

I know it's incredibly late, but I finally had time to sit down and watch Curse of the golden flower. Am personally not a big fan of court politics, but plot aside I love the cinematography in this movie. And Chow Yun Fat will always be THE Chow Yun Fat.

Watching this sure makes you thankful you're a commoner, haha.

Hi there. It's been a while. 

While I was meditating last night, I realised that one of the main reasons why I couldn't let go of my emotional baggage is because I love to torment myself by finding things that remind me of the past. 

It's almost instinctual on my part to torment myself this way. I know keeping that picture of my ex would only serve to give me a heartache, but I still do it anyway. I know seeing an ex in the club with someone else will make me feel bad, but I refuse to look away or devote my attention to the friends around me who matter more. On reflection, I also realise that this tendency to make ourselves unhappy is a very common part of human nature. So many of us suffer from the same affliction, that wallowing in self-pity has become an accepted part of society. It may not be the same factors that trigger our response, but the result is the same. We end up being needlessly unhappy. 

Of course, learning to change our behaviour is easier said than done. Otherwise psychiatrists would be out of a job. Yet, it is not an impossible task. I may not have the ability to forgive my past just yet, but at least I can make a conscious effort to not look for things to be unhappy about. I can choose to look away when I see my ex with a new mate. I can choose to focus my concentration on other things when I'm distracted by lingering memories that will never be replayed. I can choose to move on in life and be better than I am. 

Forget what other people tell you about being selfless, because in order to help others, first you have to make sure that you can help yourself. And when you're trying to heal and recover, it's all about me, me, me. I want to be happy. I want to be strong, I want to rise above my obstacles. 

The strange thing about happiness is that when you are truly happy with yourself, it shows in your attitude and that in turn brings positivity into the space around you. This is what makes others happy too, even though you are not making any conscious statements to help the poor or give to the needy. That's why happiness is infectious. 

For this reason, I love to take pictures of myself smiling. It reminds me that I can be happy, and hopefully it helps to bring a smile to someone else's face as well. If you agree, take a picture of yourself smiling and just upload it online too! 

Sometimes, it feels like you're stuck in a rut and it's time to start anew. 

That's when you feel like running away to somewhere where nobody knows your name. 

I've been feeling like that alot lately, and toying with the idea of taking a vacation somewhere, or a long sabbatical from work. 
But then I'm worried about how I'll make ends meet if I were to do that. I don't have a 'lavish' lifestyle, well alot of my spendings right now are partly because of my job, so I figure these could be cut down if I were to quit. But then there are still the minimal requirements, the daily allowances however little would chalk up, as will the phone and utility bills. I could force myself to take public transport more often without a stable income, and that would help save a huge bundle on travelling expenses. 

And it doesn't mean that I wouldn't be working at all... maybe freelance projects and short term stuff. But those usually don't pay on time right. 

Has any of you done something similar? Like take a hiatus from your job to find yourself? I know it sounds really decadent if you are the sole breadwinner and next to impossible, but that's all the more reason why I should do it now before I do take on more commitments... right? 

What do you think?

Easter came and went in a blink of an eye, not unlike a swallow diving through the thickets and soaring into the evening sky. 

I think it felt like that because I had unconsciously packed the long weekend chock full of activities. There was the Sandy Lam concert I attended, plus the morbid drinking, and deciding to take a leaf from Madonna's song, I danced the night away as well... which is rare since most of the time I'm hiding in the VIP areas of clubs or well-shielded by the company of friends.

I like the idea of Easter, of resurrection, of coming back to life, because it reminds me that we too can aspire to be resurrected from our past. I may not be Christian, but I feel blessed in knowing hope remains in the world.

So I hope Easter has blessed you in your own way too : )  

Seeing how I've just wrapped up another issue of my magazine, I decided to head out on a wet Sunday night to hang out with the BFF at Avalon. 

It's been a while since I've last done the Sunday clubbing circuit because it's just not worth the headache and sleepiness the Monday after. Also, I realise that it's probably going to add more wrinkles on my face if I keep it up. Youth is wasted on the young this way, and I'm not about to waste whatever's left of mine. 

Fast forward to right now, the Monday after. 

"Farrrrrrk me....." I moaned, trying to wake myself from an almost three-hour long sleep. Okay, so it was more like a nap. 

Beside me, the iPhone chimed in mock happiness, welcoming me to another morning with a saccharine sweetness that was as warm as a cube of ice.

In my head, I could hear Belle singing in the background with the wind in her hair. "I want much more than this provincial life..."

From the corner, Whiskas the bunny wriggled his nose and snorted beastily at me. Disney moment it was not.

I stumbled out of bed, discovering to my dismay the remnants of last night's supper after the drinking. 
2X Canned tuna
1X Cup of Cherry tomatoes 
1X Kinder Bueno Surprise chocolate egg (Don't ask me how that got there)

"Oh well, it could have been worse." I thought.

Was brushing my teeth when my eyes fell on the pair of red speedos that I wore to swim hanging on the rack, and it reminded me of what happened at the pool. 

Oops, lunch time. Gotta go. Update later.


 

Before Brad Pitt became Benjamin Button, there was the short story. 

Originally written by F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, was a 10-chapter long short story that came out in a 1922 edition of Colliers magazine. 

Fitzgerald's better known works include The Great Gatsby and This side of Paradise. 

He lived around the time of the Jazz-age, a time when America was probably at its most dandy. 

If you've only watched the movie version, it would do well to read the story because brief as it may be (I managed to finish it in the time taken for three MRT trips home) the written version is more poignant and in my opinion much much sadder. The sadness for me, came in what wasn't put into words. Fitzgerald's frank observations of things that happened to Button provided the perfect setting for one's imagination to visualise each scene that unfolds, and along with it the expressions of the characters within. 

For societies that are always in a pursuit of eternal youth, the thought of growing younger can only be a good thing. Yet, as Fitzgerald shows, having the aging process reversed might not always be a blessing. And the few lines that brought the story to an abrupt end in the story only serves to create the impact of sadness and some tinge of fear the reader offers to Button's situation. Interestingly enough, the story also brings up the notion that whether we grow older or younger as time goes by, ultimately it is to the same destination we will end up. So what is the point of life if the ending is always the same? I guess it must be our journeys. 

Download your free iPad version of the short story from the app store. Just type in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. 

"I don’t want to ride this roller coaster, 
I think I want to get off, 
But they buckled me down, 
Like it’s the end of the world..."

Matt Alber crooned lightly into my ear, rousing me from my sleep, softly flooding my room with the sweet strains of the farmiliar tune. 

I opened my eyes, turning my head towards the pale sunlight playing a game of hide-and-seek with my blinds. 

Another morning, another day. Same script, different cast. 

Outside, it had been raining and the air smelt of wet earth and damp concrete. Somewhere in the bushes nearby, a bird rustled its wings and let out a cry. 

It's not very often that my Mondays begin in this languid fashion, so I allowed myself this once to snooze. Alber straightened himself from the foot of my bed and strolled to the window, doing a slow waltz before stepping onto the ledge and taking off into the clouds. 

"Don’t you want to fall, don’t you want to fly, 
Don’t you want to be dangled over, 
The edge of this aching romance?
If it’s gonna end, then I wanna know, 
That we squeezed out every moment, 
But if there’s nothing left, can you tell me why, 
That it is you’re holding onto me, 
Like it’s the end of the world..."

His parting words, as he disappeared into the mist, brought to mind something I had been pondering over the weekend. I realise I have an issue with sad endings. I hate it, have always avoided it and thus never really learnt to accept it as part of life. The art of giving up and staying unattached to your emotions are perhaps the most crucial of Buddhist philosophy. I was born a hoarder, and I hold on to alot. This includes, objects, subjects and emotions. However, I always try to check myself constantly after realising that I have this bad habit. I guess that is the difference between the traits that you were born with and the skills you learn to hone.

Anyway, back to my morning. So I finally pulled myself from beneath the sheets and got ready to start the day. In my bid to cut down on my travel-expenses, I decided to partake of the public commuting experience in the sub. Strangely enough, the trains were empty and roomy on a Monday morning. I guess the world must be feeling just as lazy.  

I whipped out my iPad and started going through the social networks, replying to posts, commenting, liking, hiding, editing... I must say that what little Apple has done for the employees of Foxconn in China in ensuring their welfare, I have to thank the creator of the iPad for making my commuting a tad bit more enjoyable. In fact, it brought back fond memories of the times when I was a child and loved to take long bus rides after school just to spend some time alone. 

And just as I was mulling over my childhood and what a huge disparity it must be, between what the factory workers think of the iPad while they were in the production line putting it together versus what I got out of it, a friend request popped up on my Facebook menu bar. 

I clicked on it and couldn't recognise the name or face, but there was an accompanying message. 

"Hi, was next to you in the train and saw you checking out your facebook on iPad so I thought I'd drop you a note. Wanna be friends?" 

Somewhere in the Alta Mesa memorial park, six feet under, Steve Jobs chuckled before turning back to his poker buddies and another round of beer.